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Monday, March 12, 2012

Public Service Announcement: Naming Your Child

As a teacher, I often find myself saying, "What the hell were his/her parents thinking?" as I scroll through my attendance lists.  Usually, when I take attendance on the first day of class, I make kids say their names aloud because I'm bound to royally screw one up if I try to read the names off the list.  In an effort to be "unique" parents take a simple name like Mackenzie and modify it to something almost incomprehensible like Mykhenzee.  It's great that you want a "unique" name for your child, but they're going to hate you when they learn how to write their names in kindergarten or when people constantly spell their name incorrectly.  And, I often wonder if parents realize that it still sounds exactly the same.  So, when I call out "Mackenzie" or "Mykhenzee" in class, there's still confusion as to which person I'm talking to.

But, that's not really the big issue I have.  Choose whatever messed up spelling you want for your child's name if that makes you happy.  What I'm more worried about are what I like to call the "What the F&*! Names."  Take, for instance, the birth announcement I saw in the doctor's office the other day:

"The proud parents would like to introduce you to Gangster Storm Stewart."



You named your kid Gangster?


And you thought that was a good idea because:
1.  When they get a job at McDonald's they get to wear a name tag that says "Gangster" and everyone will think it's a joke?
2.  For the rest of their young life, the entire classroom will snicker when the teacher calls out, "Gangster?"
3.  You thought it would make a really good lawyer/doctor/engineer name when they grow up?

I can't even make this shit up.

My advice to parents who are choosing a name for their child:  Choose wisely.  You might think it's "unique" and "different" but remember your kid has to have this name for the rest of their life, or at least until they turn 18 . . .


  1. People should also stop to think what it might look like in the police reports I have to type.

  2. Gangster? Oh my goodness, do people have no common sense anymore?