The World's Most Annoying Toy

A few months before Christmas last year, I sat down with Gavin, and we looked through some toy ads.  I was attempting to have him write a letter to Santa about what he wanted for Christmas.  It was a struggle because he didn't quite understand the concept.  Who is this Santa guy?  Why is he bringing me toys?  Why do I have to tell him what I want?  Oh look, I'm going to go jump on the dog's head.  What?  We're not done? But I gave you 45 seconds of my time, now I'm off to do something else - like make a huge mess! 

Needless to say, it was a bit of a challenge, but we got a few things down.  Of the things he had seen in the ads, he was fixated on this garbage truck toy.  Stinky the Garbage Truck to be exact.  Every time we talked about being good "so Santa will come and bring you presents," Gavin's response was always, "And Santa will bring me my garbage truck?"  Sure kid, Santa will bring you the garbage truck.  Truthfully, I had no intention of buying this garbage truck - What the hell kind of toy is that? - but Gavin kept bringing it up and bringing it up, so as it got closer to Christmas I knew we'd have to get the damn garbage truck.


As with most things, this was easier said than done.  Little did I know that Stinky had been rated one of the most sought after toys for Christmas 2010.  Really?  Seriously?  And, of course, why wouldn't it be?  I mean, it is a garbage truck after all.  Don't we all remember our first garbage truck toy?  How excited we were to rip open the wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and there it was: our sweet, sweet garbage truck.  Ah, memories.  I have to admit, I had no idea what Stinky actually did, but I knew I had to get my hands on one.

Despite the fact that we had already done our "Santa" shopping (and went overboard, of course, and bought all kinds of ridiculous things and spent oodles of money), I knew that Stinky had to be under that tree.  I am not a fan of crowds - especially holiday shopping crowds which I can only compare to a bunch of starving lions going after a nice hunk of zebra leg - so I wasn't too keen on the idea of going to the store to find said garbage truck.  (In my mind, I imagined having to wrestle a much larger, frazzled, mother for the last one on the shelf, and it wasn't pretty.)

Image c/o taylorlifesciene

 
My solution: online shopping!  I logged onto Target.com, and ordered Stinky.  He would be there by Christmas - crisis averted.

Me after I successfully ordered Stinky!

Until two weeks later when I got an email from Target saying they were oh-so-sorry but Stinky was all out of stock.  But, not to worry because they would refund my money.  Sheer panic engulfed me.  I had to have Stinky.  If there's no Stinky under the tree, then Gavin may never believe in Santa, and then I wouldn't get to good-naturedly lie to him for the next several years only to steal away the magic of Christmas when he finally figures out the fat guy does not exist.  This was now a full-blow holiday crisis (and not like the ones where you burned the turkey, Uncle So-and-so is sloshed and may have passed out in the bathroom, and you feel like maybe you should see a doctor about prescribing you Valium before you decide to invite your in-laws over again - and not my in-laws because I love them.  Really, I do!)

Stinky is OUT OF STOCK??

I immediately began emailing and calling everyone I knew begging them to go to their nearest Wal-Mart or Target and try to find me a Stinky.  I offered a monetary reward and was willing to spend three times the listed price to buy one on eBay.  I said I would reimburse people for their travel expenses AND the pay they might lose because I needed them to leave their jobs right that second and find a Stinky or I wouldn't be able to sleep.  Little did I know, every store had them in stock and I had overreacted just a teeny tiny bit.  So, by the end of the day, there was a garbage truck safely tucked away in my basement and Christmas was saved.

Little did I know, my peace and quiet would forever be ruined by this garbage truck.  (Just a slight exaggeration.)  Fast forward to Christmas:

How I imagined it would go:  Gavin awakes Christmas morning, rushes to the tree, grabs the package containing Stinky, rips open the paper, and his face breaks out in a smile of pure joy.  He jumps up and down, maybe even screams a little, and forever remembers this day as the best day of his life.

How it really went:  Gavin rips open most of his gifts and moves on to the next one within 5 seconds.  He finally opens Stinky and is all like, "Ooh, a garbage truck."  Stinky is removed from his packaging and Gavin is terrified.

Stinky in what I refer to as "attack mode."

Why is he terrified?  Well, first, Stinky is LOUD.  And by loud, I mean it screams at you.  It screams and it does all these weird jerky movements and makes all of these strange mechanical noises and you can't even understand what the hell it's saying.  It has some kind of New York accent, it has a moving mouth, it lights up, stands up, and says all sorts of, well, dumb things.

Things it says:
- "Hi, I'm Stinky.  Are you?"  (Well, no, I don't think so.  I mean, I did shower recently and I even remembered deodorant.)
- "You are stinky.  I love it!"  (Great, let's encourage kids to smell bad.)
- "Hi, I'm Stinky.  I love garbage!"  (Who doesn't?  Trash is amazing!)
- Sniff, sniff.  "Ooh, you're stinky just like me!"  (Sweet.  We have something in common!)

But, I must say that my favorite saying is when you lift up the door in the back of the truck:

"Hey, hey, hey!  Watch it back there!"  (I cannot even begin to explain the inappropriate images I get in mind.)

Unfortunately, Gavin has overcome his fear of Stinky and plays with him all the time now.  All.  The.  Time.  Sometimes, I cannot even concentrate on what I'm doing because I'm so distracted by Stinky's yelling.  I have to turn the t.v. up full-blast because I cannot hear anything over Stinky's shouting and vast assortment of noises.  At night, when Gavin's tucked into bed and I'm picking up the last of his toys, I often pick Stinky up, and he's still on.  The house is completely quiet and suddenly he's yelling at me, and it always scares the shit out of me.  I literally jump and shudder and consider calling 911 for fear I've had a heart attack.  Normally, Stinky shuts up if he's not played with for awhile, but sometimes he gets stuck in "play" mode when no one is even in the room.  From clear across the house (I say this like my house is enormous), I can hear Stinky yelling and moving and preparing to terrify children all over the world.  Lucky me!

And that, my friends, is why Stinky the Garbage Truck is the world's most annoying toy (to date).