Wait, he did WHAT??

First, I have to apologize to my son for sharing this.  In about, oh, five years, he's really going to hate me for this.  But, it's too good not to share.  So, sorry Gavin, but you should've thought twice before you did this.  Plus, laughing at the ridiculous things you did as a child (and for me, as an adult) will make you a better person.  I swear.

It's the last day of school (with students), around 9:30 a.m., and I'm trying to restrain myself from throwing my laptop out of the window because it has, yet again, crashed and given me the blue screen of death.  My students are quietly taking their exams, and all is well.  Suddenly, Mindy, one of the school secretaries, appears outside of my classroom door.  (Okay, she didn't just "appear," she walked to the door and stood outside of it.  "Appears" just sounded cooler)  She has her cell phone in hand and is frantically waving for me to come outside of the classroom and talk to her.  I give my students an evil glare, just try to cheat while I'm in the hallway, and rush to see what the problem is.  I knew it would have to be something serious because we were right in the middle of exams.

Me:  What's up?

Mindy: Peas in the Pod is on the phone (Gavin's daycare), and they need to talk to you.  They're on hold in the office, but you can just use my cell phone and call them.

Image c/o school.discoveryeducation.com

Now, parents, you know that if you get a call from daycare it's usually because your child is sick or they've done something naughty.  My first thought was that Gavin was "not listening and hitting his friends" again, and I was going to have to get on the phone with him and threaten him with his life.  My second thought was that he was sick, and I'd have to leave right after exams to get him.  Neither of these things constituted an emergency in my eyes.

I tried to call from Mindy's phone, but the line was busy.  So, I hurried down to the teacher's lounge to pick up the call on the phone in there.

Me:  This is Andrea.

Katelynn:  Hi Andrea, it's Katelynn.  Sorry to bother you, but we had a little incident with Gavin.

Me:  Okay . . .

Katelynn:  While we were outside on the playground, he pulled down his pants, and well, . . . he went poop on the playground . . . with all the other kids watching.

Me:  He did what?

Katelynn:  Yeah, he just pulled down his pants and pooped. 

Seriously?  Wait, he did what?  He took a shit on the playground?!?  I have to admit, I was in shock.  I'm sure my mouth was hanging wide open.

Katelynn:  So, we were just wondering what you wanted us to do with him?

Me:  (Still in shock)  Well, um, did he go on his pants or his underwear?  Does he not have any clean clothes?

Katelynn:  No, he's fine; his clothes are fine.  We just weren't sure what you wanted us to do.

Oh, I see.  They were wondering, "What the hell do we do with this kid that just crapped on the playground?  Do we punish him?"  Clearly, this is not an occurance that they're used to dealing with.

Me:  Um.  Is he right there?  Can I talk to him?

Image c/o cutcaster.com

So, Katelynn hands the phone to Gavin.

Gavin:  Hi, Mommy.  (All cheerful and cute like he didn't just drop his shorts and crap outside)

Me:  Gavin, did you go poop on the playground?

Gavin:  Yes.

Me:  Why did you poop on the playground?  (Am I really having this conversation right now???)

Gavin:  Because I did.  (Okay, thanks for explaining that.  It makes perfect sense).

Me:  Are you supposed to poop on the playground?  (This seems like a question with a very obvious answer)


Gavin:  No.

Me:  Okay, well, you did something you know you're not supposed to do, so I'm going to have Miss Katelynn put you in timeout.  I'm going to call Daddy and have him talk to you, too.  Daddy's going to tell you that you don't get to go to the tractor store now.  (Yes, the tractor store is a treat for my kid.  What can I say?)

Gavin:  Okay, Mommy.

So, I get off the phone, give Andy a call, and leave him a voice mail explaining the situation and tell him to give daycare a call when he gets a chance.  What the hell.  At this point, I don't really know what to think.  First, I can't get past the fact that this is funny.  No, wait, this is hilarious.  I can just imagine the entire scenario in my head.  Second, is there something wrong with my kid?  Why does he think he can drop a deuce anywhere he wants?  Third, I can't help but feel that I'm stuck in a really bad movie, and I'm the only one who doesn't know that it's a movie.  Did this seriously just happen?  Why does the weirdest shit (no pun intended) always happen to me?

So, we gave Gavin his punishment, had a talk with him, and let it drop.  I mean, I'm not going to punish the kid for days on end for pooping on the playground  . . . so long as it doesn't become a habit.  Looking back, there were signs that maybe something like this was going to happen.  Maybe I shouldn't have let him pee outside when we went camping.  Maybe his dad shouldn't have let him pee in the woods when they went hiking.  Maybe we should have done a better job of explaining when he was so curious as to why the dogs pooped outside.  Either way, lesson learned.  And, we have an awesome story to tell for years to come!

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