Some people might think that when you make the leap from having one kid to having two, things get more difficult. And, those people would be absolutely freaking right. Almost everything becomes twice as difficult as it was before, but that doesn't mean that other things don't become twice as easy. You see, when you have two kids (or even three or four or five), there are things you become really good at . . . and these things are incredibly easy.
For instance, it's really easy to:
- Empty the dishwasher . . . over a period of seven hours.
- Prepare delicious dinners . . . by driving through McDonald's or picking up a $5 pizza because as soon as you turn on the stove to start to cook, shit is going to hit the fan.
- Graciously accept compliments from friends and strangers alike. (Wait, are you saying, "Oh, you look really tired," isn't a compliment? Shit.)
- End up with bodily fluids all over you. It goes something like this: you're changing a diaper, your four-year-old does something naughty, you pause to correct his behavior, and poo comes flying at you. Literally flying.
- Challenge the Guinness Book of World Records for the shortest period of time any human being has slept and considered it a night's sleep. (For example, I slept for two whole hours last night. Woohoo!!!!!!)
- Have patience . . . with almost nothing, including anything that makes a loud noise and threatens to wake up the kids you finally got to sleep after a two-hour-all-out-battle-in-which-you-were-the-victor-but-felt-defeated-by-the time-it-was-over.
- Get drastically behind on work and completely forget to pay bills. And often, forget where the hell you are and what time it is.
- Lose track of what you're doing . . . thereby ending up with conditioner still in your hair after exiting the shower on multiple occasions. And, sometimes, you don't even notice it for a few hours. (I make myself feel better about this by pretending I was doing a deep conditioning treatment.)
- Consume a ridiculous amount of food in a short time . . . because you've been up for four hours but haven't been able to eat breakfast, so once you can eat, you just shove anything and everything in your mouth in a two-minute period.
- Change outfits multiple times throughout the day . . . not because you just have so many cute things to wear but because you've been spit up on three times, peed on twice, and had an entire juice box squirted all over your lap. Oh, look, I'm on to outfit #7 for the day!
- Choose to laugh instead of cry because if you cry it will just make the headache you've had for 15 hours straight that much worse.
- Create a really long list of things you want to accomplish, and feel exhilarated when you actually accomplish one of them. Or maybe even half of one of them.
- Roll your eyes at people who tell you they're "tired." Yeah, that six hours straight of sleep that you got must have been really rough. I hope you can make it through the day. Or, maybe you should just take the day off and stay home and rest up.
- Leave your alarm clock unplugged for weeks, because, let's face it, you're always up. Mine was unplugged two weeks ago and counting.
I'm certain there will be even more skills I'll be able to brush up on in the near future . . . especially once teething rolls around!
Get thee to an independent bookstore.
59 minutes ago